How Gratuitous Violence Can Save Baseball

“The sad reality is that between the four major sports in America, baseball has done the least to evolve. It remains steadfast in its assertion that tradition shouldn’t be altered, and because of that, is about as exciting as watching two turtles fuck each other…”

For casual sports fans, the summer is usually a mixture of hot, unwatchable garbage.

Basketball is over, Football is months away, and we can’t watch soccer seeing as how we’re Americans, thus genetically predisposed to think it’s for French pansies.

That leaves us with shit else to do but watch Canadian football, or worse… actually interact with people.

And I already know what you’re thinking.

 “But, what about America’s pastime? What about baseball?

I’m sorry to have to break this to y’all, but…

Baseball is dying.

If you don’t believe me, then tell me who won the last World Series.

If your answer was anything other than, “Fuck if I know.  Then you either Googled it, or you’re a booger eating nerd with no life.

The sad reality is that between the four major sports in America, baseball has done the least to evolve. It remains steadfast in its assertion that tradition shouldn’t be altered, and because of that, is about as exciting as watching two turtles fuck each other. (Kind of amusing at first, but the novelty fades pretty quick.)

This means that for the foreseeable future, sports fans will have to suffer.

That is, unless, some changes are made…

Major League Baseball could make summer baseball watchable again if they just tweaked a few things. I’m not talking a complete overhaul. Just a few adjustments to the official MLB rules to speed up the game, and make four hours of a bunch guys standing around holding their dicks bearable to watch.


The 162 game Schedule

The official rule:

The Major League Baseball (MLB) season schedule consists of 162 games for each of the 30 teams in the American League (AL) and National League (NL), played over approximately six months—a total of 2,430 games, plus the postseason.

This is absolute fucking lunacy.

I’m not sure who thought that 162 games a season was a good idea, but that guy, and the group of guys who agreed with it, should be taken behind a barn and beaten with various farm tools.

162 games? Are you fucking serious? There are more games in an MLB season than there are deleted e-mails on a Clinton server. So many games, that a club could lose 40 in a row, and still have a chance at making the playoffs. That’s just insane.

There’s a reason the stands are half deserted in the summer.

That’s because anyone with half a fucking brain knows all the games from the third week in April up until the All-Star break matter about as much as the suggested serving size on a package of Oreos. (“By one serving they mean one sleeve, right? Ah, who fucking cares.”)

In fact, I’d bet most people would rather ride down a mountain on a bicycle with no seat than watch an irrelevant baseball game in 110 degree heat.

The solution to this is simple. Shave off 152 games from the schedule, and 4 innings from the games. Playing only ten, five inning games a season solves everything, and makes the sport not suck a big bag of dicks.

It will also put asses in the seats, and will drive down the in-stadium suicide rate of fans who thought that taking in a baseball game in the middle of June was a good idea.


Pitching Substitution and Mound Visits-

The official rule:

(a) (3.03) “A manager or coach is allowed to visit the 18-foot circle surrounding the pitcher’s rubber when the ball is dead… A player, or players, may be substituted during a game at any time the ball is dead…”

I don’t disagree with the rule that a shitty pitcher can be substituted. What I do find offensive, is the civility in which a player substitution is administered.

For the sake of argument, let’s say that a pitcher gives up 6 runs in the first 3 innings. Under those circumstances, I think it does a disservice to the fans when the manager calmly walks to the mound, has a short discussion with the pitcher, and then politely asks for the ball while signaling to the bullpen.

That’s horseshit.

If a pitcher puts you in a hole that deep that early, a manager should be allowed to chase that asshole off the mound in any manner he sees fit.

This should include, but not be limited to:

-Running the pitcher over with the medical cart.
-Releasing a pack of rabid Dobermans on the pitcher.
-Chasing the pitcher around the ballpark while firing a pistol at his feet.

With the season shortened to 10 games, there’s just too much at stake for these buttholes to be getting off that lightly.

If it’s acceptable to celebrate a pitcher with a Gatorade shower after he throws a no-hitter, then it should be acceptable for a manager to crack him in the face with a folding chair WWE style after giving up four homers in three innings.mark-williams-on-the-mound

…It’s just common sense.


Interfering With A Throw When Stuck In A Rundown.

The official rule:

Rule 6.01(a) Penalty for Interference Comment (Rule 7.08(b) Comment): “A runner who is adjudged to have hindered a fielder who is attempting to make a play on a batted ball is out whether it was intentional or not.

A player getting caught in a rundown is one of the few exciting things about baseball. Mainly because the players aren’t standing around like a bunch of fucking goons; they’re actually doing something.

The problem with rundowns, however, is that they almost always end with the runner getting tagged out. This is because the runner is forced to stay on the imaginary baseline.

If you ask me, that’s fucking stupid, and makes an otherwise exciting spurt of physicality just as boring as the rest of game.

The MLB can fix this by allowing the base runner to avoid a tag by running anywhere on the field when he finds himself caught in a rundown

…Dugouts and stands included.

Not only that, but the base runner should be provided with weapons like shovels, or machetes to fend off a tag. (No wet towel snapping, though. Let’s keep things civilized.)

This rule change will help level the playing field, and give the offense a fighting chance.

Side note: A bonus out will be recorded for the defense if the base runner is literally run down in the parking lot by the opposing team bus.bus-rundown


Instant Replay Reviews.

The Official Rule:

(G) Challenge of a Reviewable Play by Both Managers. Both Managers may challenge different reviewable calls within the same reviewable play. These challenges may be in the form of a Manager’s Challenge or a request for a Crew Chief review, to the extent available.

Baseball is already too damn long and drawn out for instant replays. The attention span of the average sports fan is shorter than the distance from thumb to pinky on Donald Trump’s tiny, midget hands. Even with the games shortened to five innings, we just don’t have time for that nonsense.

Which is why instead of instant replay, I propose a Game of Thrones inspired trial by combat for all challenge-able plays.

Managers and Umpires will battle until one yields, or is viciously murdered. It may take a little longer than just re-watching the previous play, but will be 1000% more entertaining than the bullshit that’s currently in place.

Side note: Rain tarps should be pulled over the field before each battle to avoid pools of blood accumulating on the field. Someone could slip and fall on that…Safety first, guys.battlebycombat


Intentional Walks.

The Official Rule:

Rule 6.05(k) “…a walk issued to a batter by a pitcher with the intent of removing the batter’s opportunity to swing at the pitched ball. A pitch that is intentionally thrown far outside the strike zone for this purpose is referred to as an intentional ball.

This is simple.

Instead of throwing four balls to walk a batter (which is a tremendous fucking waste of everyone’s time) the pitcher and the batter should duel with pistols with standard dueling rules.

Ten paces, turn, and then shoot.duel

If the pitcher wins, the defense is awarded an out while the batter’s corpse is removed from the field.

If the batter wins, he may take his base.

The pitcher’s corpse, however, should remain on the mound for the duration of the game as reminder to other pitchers not be such giant pussies. (Just fucking throw the ball to whoever steps up to the plate. It’s not strategy, it’s cowardice. Stop acting like a vagina, and do your job.)


Fan Interference

The official rule:

(e) (3.16)”When there is spectator interference with any thrown or batted ball, the ball shall be dead at the moment of interference and the umpire shall impose such penalties as in his opinion will nullify the act of interference.

Whereas in other sports, fan interference doesn’t happen very often, in baseball it’s quite a regular occurrence. This final suggested rule adjustment is a fantastic way for baseball to stand apart from the rest.

If a fan interferes with a live ball, the player attempting to field the ball should be able go into the stands and retrieved the ball via a no holds barred fight to the death with the fan.

Allowing players and fans the occasional opportunity to murder each other will help draw more crowds to the stadiums, and also stop stupid, fucking morons from reaching over the fence, and potentially costing your team the game.severed-head

*cough* Steve Bartman *cough*

This really isn’t rocket science.

With these very, very subtle rule adjustments, you could see attendance increase in your stadiums tenfold, and rake in billions of more dollars than you currently are.

In addition, players will no longer look to the stands and see yawns and disinterest, and teams will save fortunes on bleach when they no longer have to clean up after all the self-inflicted gunshot wounds that occur after a 15 inning game ends with a sacrifice bunt and 1-0 score. (If I tried to think of a more anticlimactic ending to anything, my head might literally explode.)

Baseball is dying, MLB

…It’s time to make some changes.

Written By Daniel Oliver

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